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Think it’s quite clear who the guilty party is here!

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The Pope in Scotland

On a tour of Scotland, the Pope took a couple of days off his itinerary

 to visit the north coast near Aberdeen on an impromptu sightseeing trip.

 

 His 4X4 Popemobile was driving along the golden sands when there was an

 enormous commotion heard just off the headland. They rushed to see what

 it was and upon approaching the scene the Pope noticed just outside the

 surf, a hapless man wearing an English Rugby jersey, struggling

 frantically to free himself from the jaws of a twenty foot shark.

 

 At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing Scottish rugby

 tops roared into view from around the point. Spontaneously, one of the

 men took aim and fired a harpoon into the shark's ribs, immobilising it

 instantly.

 

 The other two reached out and pulled the Englishman from the water and

 then, using long clubs, beat the shark to death. They bundled the

 bleeding, semi conscious man into the speed boat along with the dead

 shark and then prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic

 shouting from the shore. It was of course the Pope, and he summoned them

 to the beach.

 

 Upon them reaching the shore the Pope went into raptures about the

 rescue and said, "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I had

 heard that there were some racist xenophobic people trying to divide

 Scotland and England, but, now I have seen with my own eyes this is not

 true. I can see that your society is a truly enlightened example of

 racial harmony and could serve as a model on which other nations could

 follow." He blessed them all and drove off in a cloud of dust.

 

 As he departed, the harpoonist asked the others, "Who was that???!".

 "That," one answered, "was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct

 contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom."

 

 "Well," the harpoonist replied, "he knows nothing about shark hunting.

How's that bait holding up or do we need to get another one?"

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This one was sent to me by a married friend:

For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you open a box of chocolates:

Bill was driving home from one of his business trips in Northern Arizona when he saw an elderly Navajo man walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, he stopped the car and asked the Navajo man if he would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the man got into the car. Resuming the journey, Bill tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo man. The old man just sat silently, looking intently at everything he saw, studying every little detail, until he noticed a white bag on the seat next to Bill. "What in bag?" asked the old man. Bill looked down at the white bag and said, "It's a box of chocolates. I got it for my wife".

 

The Navajo man was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, he said: "Good trade ".

 

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This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation between the British and the Irish, off the coast of Kerry, Oct 98. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-01:

Quote:

IRISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a collision.

BRITISH: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a collision.

IRISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

BRITISH: This is the Captain of a British navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

IRISH: Negative. I say again. You will have to divert YOUR course.

BRITISH: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER HMS BRITANNIA! THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE BRITISH ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT IS 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

IRISH: We are a lighthouse. It's your call.

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Seafood

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten." A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted" and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate. Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail (the punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse!) Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn't see his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark", came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again." Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner." Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed......... I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian!"

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Don't Ever Be Late

A priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his place of business, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs,

and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full good and loving people.".. .

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk. "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession."

Moral: DON'T EVER BE LATE

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Couldn't resist putting this one up!

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Wrong Email Address

A lesson to be learned from one typing the wrong e-mail address!

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to co-ordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realising his error, sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I've Arrived

Date: October 16, 2004

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!

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More Exam Gaffes

The following are all quotes from 11 year olds' science exams

"When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire."

"H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water"

"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube"

"When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide"

"Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state"

"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."

"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."

"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."

"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."

"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."

"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."

"The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects."

"Many women belive that an alcoholic binge will have no ill effects on the unborn fetus, but that is a large misconception."

"Liter: A nest of young puppies."

"Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."

"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."

"Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."

"Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."

"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."

"For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead."

"To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."

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Our old friend Gladys attended church services one particular

Sunday. The sermon seemed to go on forever, and many in the

congregation fell asleep.

After the service, to be social, she walked up to a very

sleepy looking gentleman, in an attempt to revive him from

his stupor, extended her hand in greeting, and said,

"Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn."

To which the gentleman replied, "You're not the only one!"

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GCSE Answers Given During 1999 (from an education web-site)

Every effort has been made to reproduce these gems verbatim.

English Grammar:

Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its meaning. "Hands that judicious can be as soft as your face..."

Monotony means being married to the same person for all your life.

Social Studies:

What is a turbine? Something an Arab wears on his head.

What is Britain's highest award for valour in war? Nelson's Column.

Religious Studies:

Who was it that didn't like the return of the prodigal son? The fatted calf.

What's a Hindu? It lays eggs.

Christians go on pilgrimage to Lord's.

Science:

The tides are a fight between the Earth and Moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.

The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader.

Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.

A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.

The equator is a menagerie lion running around the earth through Africa.

Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.

Name the four seasons. Salt, mustard, pepper, vinegar.

Planet: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

Biology:

Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

To keep milk from turning sour: keep it in the cow.

The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.

The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.

The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off.

The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to.

A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors.

The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity.

The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five -a, e, i, o and u.

A sexually transmitted disease is gonorrhoea, the penis becomes inflammable.

A major disease associated with smoking is premature death.

Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.

Cows produce large amounts of methane, so the problem could be solved by fitting them with catalytic converters.

The process of flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

What are steroids? Things for keeping the carpet on the stairs.

What is a common treatment for a badly bleeding nose? Circumcision.

Red, pink, orange and flamingo are the colours of the rectum.

I've said goodbye to my boyhood, now I'm looking forward to my adultery.

To prevent conception: wear a condominium.

Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.

What changes happen to your body as you age? When you get old, so do your bowels and you get inter-continental.

First Aid:

For a nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops.

For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make Artificial Perspiration.

For Fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor.

For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.

For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.

To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.

What is artificial respiration commonly known as? The Kiss of Death.

Business Studies:

What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on? They'll insist you're well endowed if you're buying a house.

What is a co-operative? It's a kind of shop that is not as dear as places like Marks and Spencer.

Miscellaneous:

I always know when its time to get up when I hear my mother sharpening the toast.

Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot.

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"The World According to Student Bloopers"

Probably the most pirated, photocopied, e-mailed, and otherwise reproduced humour material of the past few decades is Richard Lederer's compilation of bloopers and blunders found in student history exams. Extensive excerpts from Lederer's book, Anguished English, are found throughout the Internet under such titles as "History of the World" and "The World According to Student Bloopers." Rarely is Lederer given credit. This is his authorised selection.

Here's an approximately 329-word version of "The World According to Student Bloopers". Excerpted and adapted from Richard Lederer, Anguished English (Wyrick, Dell), this condensed version of the opening is composed entirely of genuine, certified, authentic student fluffs and flubs and goofs and gaffes.

Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies, and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert, which they cultivated by irritation.

Ancient Egyptian women wore a loose-fitting garment which began just below the breasts which hung to the floor.

The Bible is full of many interesting caricatures.

Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day and a ball of fire by night.

Moses went up on Mt. Cyanide to get the ten commandments, but he died before he ever reached Canada. Solomon had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

An epistle is the wife of an apostle.

The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history.

The Greeks invented three kinds of columns: corinthian, ironic, and dorc. They also invented myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth tells us that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the river Stinks until he became intolerable.

The Romans conquered the Geeks. Their leader, Julius Caesar, extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul and when the Ides of March murdered him, he expired with these immortal words upon his dying lips: "Tee hee, Brutus!"

Then came the Middle Ages, when everyone was middle aged. King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, with brave knights on prancing horses and beautiful women.

Magna Carta ensured that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak.

People contracted the blue-bonnet plague, which caused them to grow boobs on their necks. They also put on morality plays about ghosts, goblins, virgins, and other mythical creatures.

Then came the Renaissance, a time of a great many discoveries and inventions.

Gutenberg invented the Bible and removable type. Sir Walter Raleigh discovered cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

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More exams gaffs

1. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

2. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java.

3. Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.

4. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king.

5. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

6. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.

7. In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.

8. Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.

9. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen" As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."

10. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic Pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

11. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

12. During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.

13. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim's Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

14. One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

15. Soon the Constituition of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

16. Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy.

17. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.

18. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he procticed on an aold spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was very large.

19. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

20. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulated into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't have any children.

21. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West.

22. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.

23. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.

24. The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by an anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

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Church Bloopers (from church newsletters)

1. The Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

2. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

3. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

4. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

5. The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

6. A songfest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.

7. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

8. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

9. Thursday night Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

10. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Adams.

11. Tuesday at 4 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

12. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

13. At the evening service tonight, the sermon will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

14. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Curch. Please use large double door at the side Entrance.

15. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who are preparing for the girth of their first child.

16. The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.

17. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

18. Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."

19. Don't let worry kill you, let the church help.

20. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs.Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

21. The service will close with Little Drops of Water. One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

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